C ∆ T ∆ L Y S T

Monday, 4 June 2012

09:23

I guess, I dance because it takes me out of myself. I become somebody else. I embody something else that isn't me. It's not an extension of myself; it's a temporary respite from what suffocates me on a daily basis.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

21:04

Poignant.

Exams are finally over. It also means that my first year at university is over. I feel quite a mixture of feelings, but everything is lost under surrealism of this entire experience. Much has taken place in the past eight months although it honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long. Evidently, things did not remain the same as it had been when I'd first started out the year here. Friends have changed, gained and lost. Most of the time, I was trying to claw through the confusion of social adaptation and conformity. I'm still struggling, really, but I feel a lot more comfortable now.

I have ingested copious amounts of alcohol, sometimes more than I'd have liked. I have met nasty people that I've doubted to exist. I have lost myself to a vicious cycle of self-doubt quite a couple of times and had to crawl out of the pits (sometimes after taking a long, long time). I have been to Scotland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden and Finland. I have travelled alone. I have gone for gigs alone. I have witnessed the quick changing colours of the leaves from green to red to orange to brown. I have witness the piles of debris gathering at the root of trees and its branches stark and naked, standing in the extended winter nights. I have seen the land engulfed in darkness at 4PM. I have been caught in winter frostiness and had fallen into settled snow. I have caught snowflakes on my eyelashes. I have seen the seen life breathing from the first blossoms of spring, chasing away the deathly pallor of winter. I have been confused by daylight savings. I have seen the daylight at 4AM. I have endured the ridiculous warmth of inescapable sunshine at 7:30PM. I have watched the sun setting after 9PM. I have frolicked in the grass and in the summer sun. I have rolled around on grass. I have run by a river. I have travelled to other towns and cities of UK in a car, by buses and by trains. I have realised my dream working part-time in a record store. I have learnt about ales, beers and ciders and also about 7"s, 12"s and turntables. I have met customers, both drunk and sober, interesting and mundane. I have competed in a type of dance I've never quite ever done before. I have willingly put myself into uncomfortable positions and later realised it wasn't as bad as I'd initially thought it to be.. I have met people from parts of Europe that I could only dream of. I tried using black-and-white film on an analogue camera for the first time. I have consumed copious amounts of chocolate digestives and black tea. I have eaten possibly the most number of fruits I've ever had in the same period of time at any other point of my life. I have juggled multiple assignments and commitments. I have stayed up all night to rush out an assignment (I have never done this before prior to being here). I have pored through numerous confusing theories and have made a ridiculous number of references to my course of study in daily conversations with my hallmates. I have missed home. Many, many times. I have an increased respect and appreciation for Singapore.

I don't know what the significance of all these is, but I know they must constitute some kind of change. I can't see it. Maybe you can, or maybe you can't. We can only hope that it's for the better. As for the remaining days before I head up to Manchester to meet up with NatSim, I think I'm going to spend it as quietly as possible. It may be traditional here to celebrate the end of an academic year with riotous parties and binge-drinking but I like being sober way too much to put myself under such a circumstance. Besides, I have yet to find the right people to be with at such things. Yes, even till now, I have not. Perhaps I'm just being picky. Like I said, I'm still struggling. The priority now is to pack my life into boxes and bags and prepare for another three weeks of travel before heading to London to spend my final week in UK and eventually heading home.

Surrealism. This doesn't feel real. Suddenly, I don't feel like this is my life anymore. I just sit back and wonder. What's the point of everything that we do? What matters and why does it matter?

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

10:07

All that I want to say has been said and possibly more eloquently done that I can ever do so. Yes, YouTube will tell you that the video player is too small for the videos but if you're really interested in the music, you would find a way to get to the main YouTube page anyway.

And then I pull away to tell you that you're going too fast. You pause for a bit, looking at me and said, "Okay, you set the pace."

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

10:52

Proximity and Chemistry.

Monday, 21 May 2012

21:50

The sun sets in quickly-fading pastel hues today. Every time I look out of the window, the creamy shades of orange with a tinge of pink becomes fainter and yet fainter, until the warmth of the colours recede, leaving behind a powdery shade of blue which slowly dims into nightfall. My grasp of the English language has never been great enough for me to describe the beauty of a sunset.

And as with all things coming to an end, the same applies to my first year in Southampton. If it could end as beautifully as sunsets on a moderately clear day do, it would be amazing. I had my first paper for the final examinations earlier today and had an instance of a culture shock (ha, yes, it still happens after what, eight months?). It's become such a natural thing to ask another about the number of papers they're sitting for, that I take for granted that we all use the same term. Today, I found out why the Brits give me blank looks when I ask, "So, how many papers have you got?" So to them, examinations are just exams and not papers. It's a hard habit to kick and I absent-mindedly refer to them as papers still. Maybe it's a Singaporean thing, I don't know.

Anyhow, I'd decided to start on a wee bit of packing and started getting quite terrified looking at all my belongings. I have managed to squeeze in two coats and a bunch of long-sleeved knits into one duffel bag and am left with a pretty damn huge amount of stuff to pack for storage in Southampton and to bring home. I have so many things that I want to bring home because I now know what I won't need here but there are also so many things that I want with me at home and back in Southampton for the second year. My shoe collection is another problem of its own. I'm not so worried about travelling to Benelux but I'm pretty much scared shitless about the total weight of my luggage for the homeward bound journey from London.

Once upon a time, there was never competition between music and dance. I would prioritise dance in a flash. I would give up everything for it. I would have forgone music for dance. But now, I'm not so sure. At times, it feels as though they place equally, but there are also times were I feel like music's all I have and all I can depend on. I may not be entirely well-versed in either but what it means to me is more important than anything, right? If I had to make a choice, if I really had to, I won't be able to give you an answer.

Friday, 18 May 2012

23:31

"Think about the amount of contact you have with people who are ethnically different from yourself." Practically rolled my eyes. Firstly, Singapore's a multi-ethnic country and secondly, the UK is evidently Caucasian-dominant. Amount of interracial contact I have? Don't even get me started.

Getting through revision very, very slowly today. Must've been because they were on topics such as conformity and prejudice. Obviously very touchy topics here.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

16:43

I'm having another one of those moments. The ones where my head overfills with thoughts and that I feel like cutting myself open to let it all out. I feel conflicted about a number of things. And I feel pessimistic about a number of things. On the other hand, I had a pretty good day out on Tuesday in spite of literally a series of unfortunate events and creating my very own Canterbury Tale. Yes, I am fully aware of the fact that the examinations start next Monday but I couldn't resist a trip out of Southampton and to watch a world-renowned King's Singers!

Monday marked the end of first-year lectures. The next time I return for a lecture, it will be for my second year. Really, the year has truly breezed past. I am slightly afraid of returning home to find that too many things have changed, that I mean less to everyone that I had before. It's not that I don't have faith in you. I just don't have the faith in myself, in believing that I am actually worth remembering about. I don't want to wake up one day realising that I don't mean anything to anyone. And truth be told, I can't help feeling that that day will come. Things inevitably move on without me, but I don't want to return home and feel like I'm imposing on everyone all over again. You could say that after nine months, it would be selfish of me to expect people to fit me back into their schedules for three months. But how could I not?

Let's talk about Tuesday. The plan was to wait for Chee Kian to pick me up from Connaught and to collect food from Highfield before heading out to Canterbury. Apparently there was a 600-quid deposit which he hadn't read about and met with some bank-related complications while sorting it out. So there goes delay number one.

While at Highfield, I'd exceeded the credit limit on one of the cards and was stranded because I hadn't brought my wallet with me. The system couldn't do a thing either because it couldn't void my order, nor let me alter it, let alone carry over the excess credit from the other card to top it up. I was feeling quite guilty while watching the cafeteria lady's face growing ruddier and ruddier by the second (presumably from withholding her rage at my stupidity). It got to the point where another staff had to come over and intervene. Eventually, I was let off the hook and I made sure I disappeared from the area as quickly as possible.

Drama continued as Chee Kian drove towards Glen Eyre and I told him that I didn't know how to navigate from there. He drove into a lane, in hope of making a u-turn back to Connaught and onto the motorways via the airport and that was when we realised that the car couldn't be put into reverse. Watching Chee Kian adamantly pulling the gear into the reverse mode with brute force was a little terrifying. I felt a tad bit useless for not being able to help because I obviously have no experience with cars and its workings. All I could suggest was to drive back to the rental centre or to call and inquire about the condition of the car. We'd ended up taking a roundabout detour back to Connaught and continued to fumble with the reverse gear. He'd finally conceded defeat and picked up the phone to call the rental centre. While waiting on the line, a stroke of inspiration hit him. "Eh, maybe the car's got some kind of safety feature and you've gotta.." So he pulled the gear outwards and it slid into reverse mode. The maniacal laughter which ensued after the ludicrousness of that situation took quite a long while to simmer down.

The English motorways are inundated with roundabouts and confusing motorway labels. We'd accidentally taken the wrong exit (my fault really, for having given the wrong directions) and ended up taking a 10 mile detour before getting back onto the right track. We were pretty much marvelling at the scenery of a rather picturesque springtime English countryside of vast fields of marigold against the powdery blue sky scattered with white clouds. At some point, we'd spotted this ominous looming dark cloud from afar and you could actually see that there was precipitation. The next thing we knew, we drove right into that area and it turned out to be a hailstorm. Coupled with highly reduced visibility due to the insane amount of falling hailstones, the windscreen started fogging up as the car was heated on the inside. Apart from having to keep eyes on the road, staying on the lane and keeping the car moving, we were frantically rubbing the windscreen and the windows. It was insane. If I hadn't been afraid enough of the idea of driving, I definitely am now.

Canterbury is absolutely lovely. We were literally wandering around aimlessly before the concert started. The city centre was pretty much closed as we'd reached the city centre after five in the evening. Stumbled upon the Canterbury cathedral and traipsed about the cathedral grounds. It felt like a mix of Winchester and St. Andrew's, really. Especially with it being spring, flowers were in bloom and all that jazz. The concert at the Marlowe Theatre started off a little odd. Well, it was an event for a Contemporary Music Festival, so I guess the pieces that they'd picked were apt but we honestly weren't prepared for the style of music. That being said, although the pieces were undesirably fraught with discordant harmonies, the King's Singers are undeniably technically top-notch.

The energy of the crowd picked itself up as the concert proceeded into its second half because they started performing a capella, which I suppose was what most people were looking forward to when they'd paid for the tickets. We'd joined the frenzy of obtaining autographs and photographs with the singers after the concert but didn't stay for long. Embarking on the journey back to Southampton was yet another nerve-wrecking one. Night had fallen and there were numerous stretches of motorways which did not have street-lights. It was pretty darn scary really, making the journey back with a depleting battery life and less than half-tank of fuel remaining. Unsurprisingly, due to the lack of light and signs, we ended up missing a whole lot of exits and went in the wrong direction multiple times. I couldn't decide what would hold up longer -- the fuel or my battery life (we were relying on my GPS to navigate). We'd chanced upon a petrol station while on the wrong route and decided to top it up before heading on. Eventually, we'd made it back to Connaught and it was about one in the morning. I'm just very thankful that he'd been a pretty safe and extremely vigilant driver. The temptation to sleep while cruising on the motorway must have been really great and difficult to not succumb to (because I did and felt bad for having done so). When you put Taonannites together, it inevitably becomes one of your topic of discussion and it was pretty much what we talked about on the last 40 miles back to Southampton. Throughout the day, the topic of how oddly unfeminine I am was being brought up again. Here I am, once again, re-living the labels of being half a man, although I see it in good light (to some extent).

Honestly, it was really nice to have his company because it felt a bit like having Li Zhi around again (the similarities are rather uncanny, actually). And there concludes my adventurous road trip to Canterbury and back. What I've learnt from the road trip is that I am never ever going to drive and will be needing a boyfriend who drives in the future (and preferably be able to cook as well). Either that or be rich enough to hire a chauffeur and a chef.

I had a rather interesting encounter at work on Sunday as well, come to think of it. One guy walked into the record store and was quietly browsing through the CD racks when two other guys walked in. One of which started taunting the first guy for being "Ginger" and made a bunch of rude jokes and even physically disturbed him by tousling his hair and poking him. My colleague and I shot each other glances of confusion and heightened wariness. I couldn't stand it and eventually told him to leave the guy alone, as did my colleague but nothing changed. Later, we found out that they were actually friends. The wariness remained as I continued observing in skepticism but slowly, you kind of realise that these guys posed no threat. The guy making all the noise asked for our names and for a piece of paper to practise his signature on. Really, it was a really odd half-hour and I think it'd have gone on longer if it hadn't been for the fact that we had to close the shop.

Also, I'm starting to develop this compulsion to include "mate" in speech. I don't like it. IT'S NOT COOL MATE.